Michael's Pub

Today I received the saddening news that Michael's Pub, a Columbia, MD neighborhood fixture for over 25 years, will be closing its doors forever. In some of the articles and conversations about this disappointing development, many people have referred to the establishment as being like "Cheers" and I won't argue with that comparison. I would venture further, however, and say that Michael's was much more than that to the neighborhood of King's Contrivance.

By not only serving as a local business, but by partnering with the community and neighboring high school, Michael's was able to touch lives in a way that a "Cheers" never could. Many of us grew up going there, our teacher's would go there, impromptu reunions would occur there, they sponsored our teams, people's parents met there, the list goes on and on. This is the type of thing that shouldn't have to happen anywhere, but to have it happen in Columbia makes it hurt a little deeper. Losing a cultural touchstone that is so intrinsic to what it means to be from Columbia casts doubt on the longevity of all of the uniquely Columbian establishments. Will there come a time when Splashdown, Supreme Sports Club, Merriweather Post Pavilion, or dare I say it- The Mall in Columbia have to close as well? I realize that I may be exaggerating the demise of Columbia as we know it, and that there are likely many other neighborhood fixtures that have met the same fate over the years, but I only do so because this one hits so close to home.

I was never a regular at Michael's Pub, and in fact have only been there a handful of times (I'm a Bagel Bin man myself), however Michael's is a major part of one of my greatest high school memories which I'll share right now, implicating only myself due to the nature of some story elements.

Near the end of my Senior Year, there was a Giant Foods receipt drive to raise money for the school. That was all well and good, but I believe at that time the closest Giants were in Hickory Ridge and Oakland Mills, both well out of the way for most families to be doing their grocery shopping. I'm sure that's why the powers that be decided to make the drive into a contest: The homeroom class that brought in the most receipts over the course of the month would win a free breakfast buffet at Michael's Pub. Obviously that sweetened the deal immensely. My homeroom class happened to be Functions & Statistics, so naturally we had a collection of great thinkers who devised a strategy that would assure us victory. So what if that strategy involved posing as volunteers "collecting" receipts from other schools? It was all going to the same district anyway, right? This was a FREE BREAKFAST! From Michael's Pub! So day after day, and week after week they announced the tallies, while we reveled in the sometimes audible dismay and disbelief from others at how far ahead our class was. Of course our teacher and many classmates weren't privy to the actions that had been undertaken, but because of the enmity our success had generated, they took more pride in it than they likely would have otherwise; only adding to the overall amusement. Finally the end of the month came, and although our victory was a forgone conclusion by the second week, we made it a point to celebrate as if we had barely scraped victory from the jaws of defeat, walking into the halls with arms outstretched in exaltation. The following week we had our breakfast, kicked off by the principal (whom everyone hated) giving us a congratulatory speech for our incredible school spirit. I've been to a lot of breakfasts, brunches, banquets, dinners, and luncheons in my life, but the only one more memorable than the one at Michael's that day, was when I completed The Crucible and became a Marine.

Thank You Michael's Pub for all that you stood for and you will always have a place in my heart.

Tinkle Tinkle Little Stars

Ok homeless dudes. Stop pissing on yourselves.

Seriously. It fucking stinks, and I'm tired of people just excusing this behavior because you're homeless. How hard is it to pull your dick out of your pants before you pee? Hell some of you don't even have complete pants, all you'd have to do is slide it over. It's not like this is a foreign concept to you. I've (unfortunately) seen you do so to masturbate, how come you can't do it to pee? Shit, masturbation even takes longer to do, yet you make sure to have your filthy junk out in order to do it. Fuck you!

I don't wanna hear that drunk/high shit either. I have been thoroughly fucked up, to the point of vomiting and all sorts of involuntary bodily discharge, but I managed to always get to a place where I could avoid doing so on my self. Seriously. Frankly, most people pee wherever they feel like it in that state, so I still don't see whats so damn difficult about just facing a wall or bush, or that fucking dumpster you're digging in and taking the minute or so that it takes to pee. It literally takes a maximum of like 4 seconds to undo your pants.

Also, I don't by this mentally ill crap. I'm not a psychologist, but I'd say you assholes are just pissing on yourselves as a fuck-you to us home dwellers. It's not like every mentally ill person automatically can't control their bladder after all- and again, even a problem patient knows that they are pissing in an inappropriate place. Is it because it's warm? That's the only thing I can think of, but that only lasts like 2 minutes and you'd be worse off than before, and wet to top it off.

I don't get this phenomenon and I want it to stop.

LOL WUT?

Okay, so I know Hov doesn't respond to disses anymore, but PLEASE go in on Hammer. This video is completely off the wall. Jay-Z sold his soul to the devil? Is that a dancing Lil Wayne? You're going to show Jay-Z by...baptizing him?

...I'll be there to hold you tight...

REUTERS/Gonzalo Fuentes

The Paragon of Poor Poetry

I am angry or hurt by:
My former lover
Or I am frustrated
With unrequited love
So
I will bore the listener
With cryptic
Shoe-gazing metaphors
And blatant declarations
About feelings I will be over
In a month
Replaced by identical
But "entirely different"
feelings about someone else

I am deeply upset by:
Well-known socio-political issue
I will rehash and quote
Sound bites and talking heads
While yelling about
How I've had enough
Gesticulating and chest-beating that
"WE" won't be ignored/silenced
Everyone cheers
Because after all
No one supports child hunger

I have actually written:
A decent poem
But for some reason
I am reciting it
Like
Ninety
Five
Per
Cent
Of
The Po
Ets
I've ever
Seen
As if
There is only
One
Way to speak
Spoken
Worddddd

Allusion
Allegory
Alliteration
And apparently assonance are:
Unfamiliar to me
Additionally:
So are subtlety, simile,
And obviously
Creativity;
For you see
I am none other than
The Paragon of Poor Poetry

B*tches Can't Hang

Brilliant!

Let 'em in (and don't burn their Qu'rans once they come)

Xenophobia in the U.S. is one of the most ridiculous phenomenons I have ever come across. It is so steeped in hypocrisy, ignorance, and fear that it's almost laughable. I'm American, I'm a veteran, I was born in D.C., if anyone is patriotic- it's me and I love that I happen to be from here, but I find it hard to align myself with this nonsensical ideology.

For starters, most xenophobes have a problem with non-English speakers, and resent any efforts to bridge that gap, viewing those efforts as an affront on the nature of being American- the "adjust to us, not the other way around" camp. I could perhaps see this coming from being haunted by the first Americans, who sadly were accommodating for the most part to their new arrivals. Those new arrivals didn't bother to learn the languages or customs however, and instead killed and displaced their predecessors. Most xenophobes are descended from those new arrivals or successors of the same mindset, so it's not really a reach to understand why they're so afraid of this happening to them. So I get it, you're afraid, but that isn't going to happen so relax because...

This is America. For better or for worse, this big, young country was founded on a set of ideals, and we're lucky to be able to debate and constantly cultivate those ideals for the betterment of our society. That's what makes it a decent place to be. It's why you love it, I love it, and why people who don't live here want to come and love it for themselves. How can someone be patriotic, but resentful that someone else wants to share in what you're so proud of? That's infantile. It's like saying, "This band is so amazing, their music is life-changing!" and when someone asks to listen, you going "No! They're not for You!" Dick move. Plus it kind of devalues the band you're so hyped on, if they only cater to one sort of person.

In keeping with the band theme, America is cool because it is a band. A guitar is awesome. A drum is awesome. Put them together and they are both better. Why not add a bass, keys, vocals, etc. By limiting the types of people who are welcomed into our society, you limit the possibilities of our society. We might be speaking Japanese, if it weren't for a German immigrant who taught us how to make an atomic bomb. The west would've developed a lot slower without the help of Chinese immigrants, and even though it was involuntary immigration, this really wouldn't be much of a country period without the aid of African immigrants. Who knows what achievements can be accomplished by opening our arms to those who wish to come here and forge a life? I think we can all agree that this country is in dire need of achievements at the moment, so let's not be closed-minded about where they're coming from.

Being xenophobic is not patriotic. The Statue of Liberty (a French immigrant), one of the biggest symbols of patriotism, basically says no matter who you are or where you're from, America has a place for you. Sadly this isn't always true, but we should strive to make it so. Everything here comes from immigrants or the descendants of immigrants. You are lucky to be born here if you were. You didn't have a conversation with a stork and tell them where you wanted to go, you just ended up here. Well some people ended up elsewhere, and in different circumstances, so to knock them for wanting to make a change is just cruel. If a piano falls onto the sidewalk and misses you but crushes someone else, do you berate them for trying to get out from under it? Hopefully you'd try to help, and all I'm saying is that we should try to help those people who want to be here. We'll all be better for it.